Wedding comparisons, dress discussion and...

...resisting the urge to title this post 'I'm not okay, I promise'. It's late, I've had a lot of sugar in the past six hours and I'm feeling oddly emotionally fragile right now. The cautious (or maybe too incautious) optimism I had about getting this third shift factory job is quickly being replaced with "In nine days I have nowhere to live." That's not strictly true. I have an open invite for another two weeks anyway. 

But I talked to MG today and she all but convinced me to come to PA, live in her parents' rental flat and find a job locally- preferably on the same shift as her hubby so we could carpool.

Problem. I'm not fine with this. And I knew I wasn't fine with it, but I all but said I would, after I talked further to the HR people at her husband's work. I can't do this. I can't go to PA on the off-chance, and while I care very deeply about MG and her husband, I don't think I could live in proximity to them... I just _don't_. And I don't think I should go to PA. I don't have the money to get there and I honestly don't _want_ to go to PA. It wouldn't be as bad as moving back home, I don't think, but I wouldn't be comfortable. Maybe moving back home would be less uncomfortable. I honestly don't know. It's a mess. I don't want to think about it.

I just hate not having a plan, and having a lousy min. wage job, which is still infinitely better than no job at all. I just want things to work out somehow, yet I feel I've failed to put in sufficient effort. And then I think of the whole thing with my family- I'd like to ask everyone to say an extra prayer or two for my mom, she's having some important tests done this week but won't have the results back for another two weeks. It might be serious. Somehow I don't think that's quite hit me yet. I think it's a mental self-defence mechanism, the idea that if something's too big or too scary to contemplate when you're already stressed about a dozen other different things, your brain shelves it for later, no matter how serious or life-changing it may be. Your mind says "That's it, no stressing about this for now." But since you can't just make it go away, the thing that's bothering you comes out in other things- weird dreams, giddy emotional highs and lows..

Okay. Breathe. This is imram-going. This is not easy. All of life is a set of interconnected imrama. It doesn't have to make sense right now. It doesn't have to fit together the way you thought it should. It will very likely be hard, uncomfortable and never dull. But right now, even after I finally landed a job, I still have that need for something else to go right for me.

Maybe it's all an exercise in patience. I know I still need to get closer to God. Things just keep adding up to the point that it's either get closer or have a complete melt-down.

I apologise to my readership. This post thus far has been monumentally... weird and depressing. And highly personal. Maybe too personal. I don't know... I tried to do an lj-style cut on this post but it didn't work. I found out how to do something similar but it involved messing with the templates which is more than I can manage at this particular moment in time. 

Anyway. Onto less depressing stuff!

MarineWife and MarineJoe had a lovely wedding and reception. This was not marred in the least by T-Bro and I getting horribly lost on the way and having a mishap with the gift- remedied but at the very last minute in typical family style.It wasn't nearly as crowded as I thought it would be at either the church or the reception. The Mass was beautiful, MarineWife's dress was beautiful too! >squee!<>

So I compared weddings- MG's and MarineWife's. MarineWife wins, if not by a landslide then by a clear majority. I love both MG and MarineWife sort of as cousins of my own choosing, and I'm very happy for both of them- and having seen them both get married and having known them both, I predict a much smoother first year for MarineWife and MarineJoe. I could be wrong, but I'm willing to bet I'm right... we'll have to wait and see I suppose. Anyway, the reception was very nice. It was interesting to see the age range of the guests and how they approached the wedding as a whole- how many weddings they'd been to recently or altogether and their opinions on different things.

For instance, GS and I had a very long involved discussion that lasted us the entire car ride home (all ten- fifteen minutes?) about dresses, what the men should wear, how to run the reception, flowers, shoes, the works. GS had some really great ideas about the dresses too- for a guy he's very insightful about such things! I was pleasantly surprised and we had a great conversation. 

In unrelated news, I must say, little K-ski is growing up! She seems to be well aware of the fact that she'll be a senior next year- with all the duties and the privileges that entails. For such a retiring personality she can be surprisingly forceful at times! She'll be one to watch- look out world!;)

All right- that may not be all the news that's fit to print, but I'm tired and I need to sleep, the dancing has taken it out of me and if I don't want to sleep through the last Shakespearean Sunday, I should call it quits now.

Btw, please, dear readership (all five of you or however many) let me know if the stuff at the beginning of this post was too personal in your opinion, and best left to the pages of a diary. Your opinions do matter to me and I don't want to be hanging out the laundry as it were. That's not really the metaphor I want, but it'll have to do for now, I'm tired...